Script is available at Inktip.com
Fearing the worst at the hands of a neurotic assassin, an insecure pet salesman finds forgiveness and love on a bawdy road trip with a narcissistic self-appointed life coach.
Teenager Dan Downey forgets to feed Fang the day the mutt kills Dan’s mother. Guilt-ridden, Dan spends the next ten years filling spiral notebooks with a mantra of apology. Dan grows up to be a meek salesman at America’s largest pet franchise -- Pet King. Owner Rey Sanchez promotes Dan to supervisor. Dan tries to blow the whistle on Pet King when he discovers Rey’s exploitation of thousands of geckos. Rey fires Dan and frightens him into evacuating Houston for Oregon to seek the protection and forgiveness of his father, D.T. Downey.
A bumbling assassin named El Brujo pursues Dan relentlessly. Teaming up with Dan for the road trip across the Rockies is a shyster named Codwell Gutterman who is traveling to Portland to win the heart of lawyer Connie Flynn, the only girl who has ever spurned him. Dan falls under Codwell’s spell and falls in love with Connie, too, sight unseen. When El Brujo’s assassination attempts get too close for comfort, Codwell deserts Dan and flies on to Portland. Dan travels on alone. In a dramatic motel confrontation, Dan persuades El Brujo to return to Houston to punish Rey.
In Portland, Codwell discovers that the mob has killed D.T. Codwell comforts D.T.’s grieving wife Tina and telephones the bad news to Dan. Dan considers suicide until a roadside robbery inspires him to press on to Oregon to lay claim to his inheritance and posthumous forgiveness. Arriving in Oregon, Dan finds Codwell shacked up with Tina. Dan’s inheritance consists of a dilapidated pool table.
Before Dan can catch the next flight to Houston, he is jailed by a vice squad. Dan is rescued by court-appointed attorney Connie Flynn, Codwell’s dream girl. She agrees to help bring down Rey’s Pet King conspiracy. She and Dan travel to Memphis to assist the FBI’s raid on the Pet King laboratory. Geckos are liberated. Rey is jailed. Codwell is humiliated.
Dan lands a job with his father’s former boss. On his first day at work, Dan encounters his very much alive father. (The unlucky victim of the mob’s wrath was Tina’s lover, not D.T.) Before flying off to exile in Mexico, D.T. convinces Dan that he was not responsible for his mother’s death. Free of the debilitating guilt he didn’t deserve, Dan abandons his timid life of apology and embarks on a life with Connie full of optimism and love.