A delusional street hustler posing as a mayor’s crime czar replaces striking police with clueless foreign mercenaries whose well-intended screw-ups unite the impostor with the love of his life.
On another dreary day in the crumbling city, Godfather “Drano” Priego’s henchmen terrorize Orphanage Director Donna Goode for failing to pay protection money. Donna discovers an unlikely hero in “Ice Pick” Lupo (“Pick” for short) – an orphaned street hustler. Pick, who admires Donna from afar, vows revenge against Drano.
Growing up in the orphanage, Pick learned to read from a book titled Basic Principles of Business, and all his knowledge comes from the pages of that tattered book. He throws around lingo like “ROI”, “cash flow”, “margins”, and “outsourcing” to the confusion of all. Pick hides his self-doubts with a veneer of bravado that is finally stripped away when he botches a heist of Mayor Mick Sullivan’s election treasury. Pick has to choose between going to jail or helping the Mayor get re-elected.
Pick agrees to serve as the Mayor’s puppet Crime Czar, but Pick’s blunders and misapplied business practices result in a general strike by the police force. Using outsourcing methods taught in his text book, Pick recruits foreign mercenaries to bring order to the city by election day. In-fighting breaks out among his Japanese Sumos, Mexican revolutionaries, and pygmies of unknown origin.
Godfather Drano Priego has problems of his own. While frustrating Pick at every turn, Drano tries to buck up his courage by enduring torturous rituals inflicted by a dodgy Asian Mystic. Leeches, nail beds, and other treatments help Drano possess the hardness required to discharge his duties as Godfather.
Pick’s dubious methods and Drano’ heavy-handed tactics escalate their fight to a showdown to determine whether Pick will resign and go to prison or Drano will release his criminal grip on the city. After alternately striking off swords, pistols, clubs, and a hundred other weapons to decide their differences, the two adversaries decide on a game of Trivia to be conducted in the city’s main theater. Despite Drano’s elaborate cheating scheme, he loses to Pick. The victory is hollow, however, and their conflict remains unresolved.
Donna inspires Pick to rally his mercenaries for an ultimate confrontation -- the mayoral election. At the bleakest possible moment, Pick overcomes his fears and, with the unexpected help of his worst enemy, he wins the rigged election.
Empowered by new-found faith in himself, Pick casts away false assumptions that have thwarted his aspirations for Donna. Despite the dirt and noise and corruption of the gritty city, Pick and Donna find true love.